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To my friend

Dear Friend, we both know how cruel this world can be. Turning twenty in this chaotic and confusing world is indeed very scary. We both know what we went through and its okay to be scared. To be scared of living and existing when everything seems blocked and impossible. And I know how much you had to go through and struggle to be who you are. Life can be hard when you have a weight of responsibilities weighing you down, a family looking up to you for support and parents having huge expectations for you. And sometimes when it becomes too much, all you want to do is let go. It feels like there is no rainbow but endless storms, no shore but just unending ripples of water in the dark blue ocean and that the grass is not greener on the other side but just fields of dry weeds sprawling on the ground. I am not going to tell you that you will be okay or you have to try to be positive or to have some faith or that its just a phase. Because I know very well how it feels like to feel like the whole world is crashing down on you and how hard it is to try. To try anything at all. I know you want to quit everything and to stop feeling like it’s never enough even though how much you try. I don’t and will not act like a hero friend that saves the day and helps her friends who are going through a tough time because I myself don’t know what I am doing and I do not have the capability or capacity to tell someone to do or feel okay because I know its not okay. Nothing is okay in this world. We are in the middle of a pandemic and wars have been waged and nature is failing. And it will not be okay for as long as we live. But you see, the only thing we can do is survive. The world will not change for us or give us a concession for all that we’ve been through. But all we can do is take it one day at a time. Its alright if you have a mental block or you’re going through an academic slump. Its okay if you don’t do your assignments or you fight with someone you love. Its okay if it was your fault, its okay to feel like its the end and you want to end everything and its okay to cry and scream “FUCK THE WORLD!” from the top of your lungs. You know why? Because this is a cruel world and it will always be cruel so I think we deserve to hate and feel every possible thing we can. I remember a line from a series I recently watched. It said, ” you don’t have to prove who you are to anyone.” Be your own rainbow, be your own shore, water you own grass or weeds, anything you want.You are the unicorn of your world and the master of your doings. And it doesn’t matter who reads this and what they have to say because this is for you and that’s all that matters to me. I love you. Always hold life by the reins .Carpe fuckin Diem my dear friend.

Meeting my first love one fine spring day.

The sun shined bright and the spring air blew ferociously as if it was taking me back in time to a past that was hidden somewhere in my memory. It’s been two years since the last time I saw him. We had a special way of meeting after every two years coincidentally. Not planned, not promised but there was always an exact gap of two years every time we met. I walked through the crowded street to see a man standing near the pavement waving at me. Almost a decade had passed yet I still felt butterflies in my stomach like I did when I was a school girl. I smiled as I walked up to him. He smiled back at me as he shook my hands. We walked up to a small street food stall to buy snacks. We sat there and as we talked I realized that the man sitting beside me was still the same as before. The young 15 year old boy, bursting with energy, fearless and spontaneous. I laughed as I watched him talk as his eyes sparkled with enthusiasm. As we waited for our order, kids wearing our school uniform came in groups laughing with no worries of adulthood. It reminded me of us and how we were so clueless about life and how we loved carefree without fear of the world. As we walked through the same streets we walked when we were kids, we saw a young boy walking his girlfriend home and we realized it was the same kid we used to know when we were in school. It surprised me how big he had grown and how times have changed. We reached our friend’s place as we sat on the couch. He slowly hugged me from behind as he leaned on my shoulder. I was surprised but it felt so normal. He told me to let him stay like that just for a while. Just for the day. “You never know how different things might’ve changed after two years” he said. I slowly put down my guard as he leaned on me and we stayed like that. Silently remembering how close we used to be and how close we still felt. As the day ended and it was time to go home, he hugged me swiftly as if he was scared. I smiled because I needed that hug. We slowly walked behind our friends like we were wishing to stall the time. He held my hand as we walked towards the end of the road where we were to go our separate ways. He clutched it tight ,perhaps he didn’t want to let go because I knew I didn’t want to. But as life goes, we were bound to let go and go our own ways. We eventually reached the end of the road as we let go of our hands. The wind blew strongly like it was a premonition to go back to the present. He walked away from me and I went the opposite way. I turned to look at his figure slowly fading into the distant , waving me goodbye as his childish smile bade me farewell. I looked into the distance and smiled as I slowly turned back to go my own way whispering under my breath “See you again after two years….hopefully…”

song recommendation for the day  

A rainy day and a hot cup of coffee.

It looks like there will be a heavy rain today. The sky is completely dark and cloudy. I personally love rain so I am feeling good. Rain is so amazing. The way rain can make us feel so cozy and nostalgic at the same time. I find rain so calming yet chaotic. The soft drizzles you hear from your window pane is like a lullaby that puts you to sleep. I also find many inspirations to write on a rainy day. It makes me feel like its my emotions that is pouring down. I always wondered why rain has this effect on us. It makes us feel so nostalgic and sad yet comfortable and warm at the same time. Maybe the rain and its drops of water that drizzles down are the memories of people or things we once knew but have already forgotten. As I sit in my bedroom with only the light from my laptop and the whole place dim because of the weather the only thing I know that I need right now is a hot cup of coffee and a perfect Netflix series and my favorite blanket for a perfect rainy day. What is your perfect rainy day combination? Do let me know. Anyways, I will be meeting my bestie later in the evening for his birthday party so I hope it doesn’t rain too much.. Happy Birthday Hempops. I love you. Oh! And a song recommendation for today is “Pictures of Girls” by Wallows.

The struggle for finding a part time job as a college student stuck at home with low internet speed.

As my title says, it is really indeed such a hassle to find the perfect work from home part time as a college student with zero work experience and bad internet. I have been stuck at home for the past seven months and it has been a series of surprising events. Being home is only good until it’s been too long and you feel almost stuck and suffocated. And not to mention the financial problems that you have to witness. Therefore, I wanted to start a part time preferably online well,because of the pandemic as we all know. My search for the perfect part time started last month but as the days passed by it seemed like it was almost impossible to find anything. And also remember me mentioning how bad the internet is at my place? (it gets on my nerves most of the time) so it added more to the problem of finding a work. I watched zillions of YouTube videos on how to earn money online and honestly, I don’t get why people make videos on how to fool people just to get views and in turn earn money. Ironic isn’t it?Well as I was saying, I tried almost all of the tips and tricks they promised would “get me money” but at the end of the day, it was all useless information. There was not even one tip out of all the videos that actually helped me. My search for online part time jobs hasn’t stopped yet ( hehe). I am still searching for the perfect job for a college student stuck at home with a bad internet.

pandemic paranoia

I have been really distant and inactive lately with my blog. Maybe because of the enormous pressure of college and trying to keep up with assignments and classes. I have lost track of time and space. Everything is becoming so stressful. Late night studying and working on assignments, unsuccesful attempts to wake up on time for classes and the occasional burnout has been my routine these days.

Life before the pandemic eerily seems so distant and alien. It feels as if we’ve been living like this our whole lives. Going out and spending time with friends, eating in a restaurant, not wearing masks or even having a physical display or affection like hugging and kissing and even handshakes have become something of the past and so out of place.

All these changes in life has affected a lot of us and is still affecting us. I wonder when will we get to meet and go to normal classes and find the joy of going to university or schools again. It seems far fetched to say that it will happen any time soon but I do hope we can slowly make our way back to normal life. Or could this become the new normal?

Growing up

There’s an indie song in my playlist that always reminds me of us. Not just you, not just me but of us. I remember how young we felt three years ago sitting under the winter sun, blowing dandelion wishes as we dreamt of escaping to the big cities after we graduated from school. I remember the smile on your face as you made me promise never to lose contact with you even if we stayed apart. I also remember how we used to laugh at the thought of growing old and how confident we were of us. Now another year has passed and a new one has arrived. And it is astonishing how much we’ve changed. Nothing is like how we thought it would be. The summer we planned never arrived. The wishes we made never came true. You’re with another in your arms…the arms I thought were my safe haven from the cruel world. And here I am, listening to an old song reminiscing about our yonder days with nothing but bittersweet memories to hold on to.

To you

I hope you are doing well. I miss you. I still do…a lot. I know I can never ask you why or how we became strangers when two winters ago I was buried inside your warm broad chest as you wrapped your arms around me. You were the center of my universe and I, yours. It is sad yet funny to think about how life turned out to be so different than the one we planned. But then again, that’s just how life is right? I am writing to you to make myself feel better. I know you might never get to see this note but at least it’ll be another reminder to myself about far you are from me now. It’s getting cold. Christmas is near but I dread for it to come. I don’t like winters anymore nor Christmas. Remember what happened last Christmas? I will never forget the night after Christmas when you said those words I prayed each night never to hear. It’s okay. You can stop blaming yourself now. I will try to stop blaming myself too. Maybe we’ll just blame it on the universe and its cruel fate. We have hurt ourselves too much and I don’t want to turn the love to pain and anger. It hurts to not hear your voice anymore. It aches not to be able to feel you breath against mine and hold those warm callused hands or look into those sad eyes or brush my fingers through those soft jet black hair. I remember how you promised never to leave and how you wished for me to always be a part of your life for better or for worse. Do I still have that special corner in your heart? I will admit that I still dream about you and it still makes me wake up in tears but I guess that’s the price you have to pay for having loved someone more than yourself. I still love you. I think I will always love you. You made me realize that you have to let go of someone if you love them. I let you go and you let me go. We let us go. But I know our love will never change. My love will always be there. Somewhere in the corner like a slow burning pain that makes you feel alive.

with love,

someone you used to know.

A Halloween Love Story

The carved pumpkins adorn our patio

The dim orange light fills the whole room

Sweets and candies in baskets covered in bloody tissues

The skeleton hanging on the doorstep like a proud matchmaker

The witches in the living room brewing a love potion

The Loch Ness monster swimming in our bathtub

Billie Holiday playing on the radio

Your hands on my waist

As we danced in the dark with the ghosts 

Making a Halloween love story that could make our demons cry.

Mental block

Lately everything seems so bland and meaningless. Everything I write seems so shallow and holds no meaning. I feel like an imposter trying to write things that I can’t feel or don’t know about. Lately writing seems alien to me. Inspirations seem forced and with no true emotions. I’ve been feeling real low lately. (Well I feel low all the time so doesn’t really prove my point) But this time it feels so foreign to me. I used to use my lowest times to create something and express myself but this time it feels different. My bad days feel as foreign as my good days and I can’t catch hold of my emotions to write and create something out of it like I always do. Mental block or writer’s block as they call it…. that might be the case but I’ll never know. I hope I get through this phase but it feels like it’ll take quite a while. The only question that keeps going through my mind is “Am I writing for myself or for the pleasure of others? ” and I still can’t find the answer. Maybe I never will.